Saturday, June 28, 2014

~Send letters to Pastor [address provided] Bringing a dark subject to the LIGHT~

[Here I am Lord]~You are still entitled to send letters to Pastor ,[]n self harm ,suicide ,and bullying....These serious  matters, that often lead to suicide.~Please write to Pastor.
~When You see this symbol, know WE are speaking of  anti-bullying~
"We are in this together!" With Pastors permission, letters of bulling may be sent to CO-Pastor Richard Gehert - First Baptist Church, 400 Monmouth St., P.O. Box 47, Gloucester City N.J. 08030. "Hopefully, if WE get enough People to participate, and if the Church would agree, perhaps We can arrange a live Google hang or video, to send the message to all..... In the meantime, let's all be kind to []ne another, and L[][]K IN, instead  of TURNING AWAY" Much Love ,Mother X[]x
~July the 11th,will be the two year anniversary of the car accident......A life altering event, now Monday the 30th at 6:30 am,I am to arrive at the hospital for cervical spine surgery......A stumble ,in  the road, We will be back on the road to recovery. And back to bring our dreams of building a Village to life.... T[]GETHER~ At My Church ,this July the topic be suicide ,self harm, and bullying. Although I will not be able to be present, they will send Me the audio. [Please write, Your letters can save someone's LIFE.....Let's bring this dark subject, to the light!

~You are, not alone....I look forward to hearing Your letters X[]x

Friday, June 27, 2014

~I get lost inside My mind~ ["Although I surrender,I'd rather call it a Truce."]

~Black bird~

I'm sorry for Bonnie's "un-solved murder"

My Daughter , and My Sister have been spending a lot of time with me. Jewelia's  Dad [Joe] visited last night. We sat outside, under the stairs and spoke of world wisdom's. Joe was telling my sister, that when We were children, we grew up in the same town ~of course We didn't know each other then ,and He was 4 years older than Me [in a town called Barrington N.J.] So later when We met, and We shared where We grew up, He told Me a horrible detail ~I never knew= a murder/ since then I've been trying to help solve this murder [it's part of My bucket list] At the age of eight ,I was violated. And fought my way free. It was down in the laundry room ,drug into a storage bin .He threatened if I ever told, He would kill My family .And his pants were dropping to his knees ,bacause the storage bin was not tall enough for him to stand... He was blocking the gate ,he used some kind of rag to put over your mouth for sudation ...I kept fighting screaming, kicking .Till the the point I kicked him over, stepped over him ran out a back door, and climbed a tree. And watched him frantically  search for Me till it was dark......And I went home/ for what ever reason not long after this happened WE MOVED......... Then years later as an adult when telling Joe, where I grew up ~ He told Me, that's where that little year was murdered .They called her Bunny, Her name was Bonnie to Me~ I have  felt responsible  for [Bonnie Bateman's[ murder]  I've tied so many avenues , un-solved murders...... I just wanted to tell somebody his description ,"He was 5'10, 180 lbs. Dark hair, unshaved face. He wore a green, gray uniform, and smelled of gasoline....His pants where weighed down by keys, and coins.... I am haunted by death of Bonnie.... I pray, and ask ask for forgiveness."

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

~Feeling defeated~

My resolve comes Monday [surgery day] Yet I am understand, how thoughts can fall into, the cracks of Your mind. In my case , I feel like I'm dying, and fight for LIFE.....So if Your feeling defeated call for help, You deserve, a G[][]D LIFE~ Ask for Help, Love Mothersky X[]x

Friday, June 20, 2014

~Humble~And still dreamof building []ur Village.....

I met a young man today[ Daniel], he spoke words of wisdom to Me...... He shared a verse from Peter 5, verses 5, and 6 [5] God is opposed to the proud, but gives Grace to the humble.[6] Humble Yourselves, therefore under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt You  at the proper time......
 I was telling Daniel of my dream, to build a Village, I'm just derailed, Yet is has humbled Me. I'm learning as I G[]~Today was my physical, to clear Me surgery~ I was approved/ 10 more days......And Michael delivered Me safely X[]x

Thursday, June 19, 2014

~Remember when~

~11 days away~

I was fitted for my neck brace this morning, some how it made it all so real, 11 days till my surgery. And it's bitter sweet.... I can't wait, they say I'll be out of pain. At least the pain I'm in daily, It has taken an emotional toll on Me.~I can't run, and play with the Grand babies anymore.... I thought maybe I was just depressed, till I was in their company~ and realized my limitations.....I have my evaluation physical in the morning, to be sure my body can endure. ~I hear the church bells ringing outside, and somehow it brings me peace. X[]x My hopes are to finish some projects I started, while resting in bed. This being one of them= this is the draft, for Bumpy the frog/ the next one is called the wishing star.....

~Sisterhood~Addicted to Love [Avicii]

~My Sister heard this song on the radio, and called Me. She said "Le, that sounds like a song You have written. And that's what You sound like~when You try".........  So she reminds Me, to continue to dream. Because she is use to Me being fearless.... And she remind Me, of all I am capable of [just not right now] And We will get through the surgery, and I will carry on with My dreams [this too shall pass] TY X[]x

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

~just keep swimming~

I'm telling this to Myself outloud! Because panic is setting in ,so I sing~Just keep swimming~~And I'm gonna put on Nemo, because it keeps me calm, and centered....... What do we do, we swim ,swim , swim..........

"I scream, You scream, We all scream for ice cream"We should all have some ice cream!

Having an ice cream sandwich ,on a sunny day. Hannah ,Lydia , Emma , and Copper....... There is just never  enough ice cream, when You have a baby sister. These babies make My world go round. I have a blessed life Four Children, and Four Grand Children. Life doesn't get any sweeter than that...... In between doctor's appointments, I collect all the kisses I can...... The Babies miss Me when I'm gone ,so tell them when You miss Me ,as I miss You.... "Place Your hand on Your heart feel it beat, I am always there in Your heart . As You are in Mine~ We are the same." And then I sing, and they sing along. " I've gotta a brand new pair of roller skates, You've gotta brand new key". Me Mom Loves, her Monkey's X[]x Sending ice cream, to Travis......

Sunday, June 15, 2014

~Happy Father's Day to all the Mother's who Raising their children~



~Brian Aglira~ "Head in The Clouds

The other night at a dueling Piano Bar, We sang Imagine together.[by the Beatles]
Brian Aglira~Check him out on You tube, and Google+


~Happy Father's Day~

[Be a Mentor] I LOVE YOU DADDY! My Dad and,I are separated by State's, and Oceans...... Some Dad's are off fighting War's,Some Dad's are out fighting fire's....Some Dad' are out on the ocean.And other's just out picking up a loaf of bread,and eager to make their way home.......Other's are up,in Heaven.So we carry them in our heart's.....Some single Mother's have to be Mom,and Dad.....Glitter kisses Xxo I MISS YOU (DADDY) AND I'M SO HAPPY (YOUR MY DAD) LOVE ALWAY's ,AND DOUBLE INFINITY! YOUR CHILD Xxo HAPPY FATHER's DAY TO ALL THE DAD's IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD! ALL MY (LOVE) YOUR CHILD Xxo ">

~Save the Turtles~

Yesterday at the beach.... We made a turtle~ SAVE THE TURLES~X[]x
So Happy Together!

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

~Mind over matter~

Years ago I helped someone through a neck surgery ,that then turned into five.... I know that is where all the fear is coming from.That person couldn't even brush their hair,or fend for themselves.I guess seeing that, experiencing that has made Me so aware.I am not walking into this blind, I know what I'm up against.And I know I'm struggling with family,seeing Me that way. Although them is way has been N[] PICNIC......My Family has been pulling Me through, when I lived upstairs it was a studio apartment. And lived with all my paints, and beads around Me~there was order, it just looked a mess. Then the last epirurial changed me. The swell was so bad, I hardly had control of my hands. I haven't beaded since. Although I pulled all my bead in , and around my bed for after the surgery. For I am Hopeful. To paint again,I always wanted to tango.... And I crave to go to the beach.... []nly when I go to the beach, My family and I make a large sand sculpture.[]nly I don't for able to ride in the car,or sculpt...  I feel like I'm failing them.   So instead I'm making apartment, my project so when they visit it will be []ur new beginning~ It's all mind []ver matter=I CAN D[] THIS!

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

G[]ING F[][]D SH[]PPING~Tangled in fear~

There are times when We are in the car, and I'm having an anxiety attack. I ride holding onto a pillow, with a box cutter under my leg [ In my mind, the box cutter is to ,cut the seat belts~or break the windows out] When I was in the car accident, the car that hit us caught on fire....My fear is We will be trapped/ I  have my good days, and bad. Though I have recognized I need to be the strength, for my Loved []nes~ I look to my family, and say" have I always been this frightened ,they say I'm getting better. They say "You have survived"/And they remind me, the worst is over~ it can only get better from here.... I've been disabled for nearly two years, I've learn to live with the pain.... So even though I afraid of the surgery, it will be the beginning of healing .And getting My life back~ the though of being in bed for 6 to 8 weeks, is un-doing Me. But I'm learning to live with it! I will survive,I'm just tangled in fear. ~I just keep moving , doing, and praying.......For God to give Me the strength I need........See Ya Soon, X[]x   PS. []n my way to my favorite place ,the Food Market.....
~ I had taken my youngest daughter Jewlia/aka Raven to the hospital today, also known as Rainbow..... She is fine now, and here with Me                               [I L[]VE MY LIFE]

Monday, June 9, 2014

Pink Floyd ~TIME~[time to start living]

Time, time is a tricking thing. ~We all want more time, they say timing is everything. I have been quite pessimistic , I feel as if I'm running out of time... I'm sure You all feel that way. "We must make the most of our time".
I ran into an old Friend last night at Church, expressed my surgery is coming up~ And I'm trying to get things in order. Many of You may know I moved form one apartment to the other. I have things here, and there. And Her wisdom was just what I  needed to hear, she said "'It just doesn't matter. That if Your not well enough to do it, it just doesn't get done. That instead I should be living, in this time. Not worrying over what I didn't get done" .My PTSD has been there for so many years, after the event of a triple death, the cleaning up after someone has passed, is devastating= and somehow I find myself trying, to clean up in the event of my death/ that I've forgotten how to live..... This car accident has brought all that fear ,to the fore front of my mind~ they say pain is the trigger..... The grand plan is to have the surgery, to be out of the pain... I will try harder to live by the serenity prayer=because I feel myself losing reality, when close my eyes to sleep [I have flash backs of the car accident, and I want it to go away]  I mostly don't understand how if I a TBI= traumanic brain injury, and short term memory loss- why does play in my head, like a loop. It's been hard on my Family ,they are not use to seeing me cry all the time. That [this] is not the Woman they knew, this pain has altered Me.... I will try harder ,to Live more. =TIME TO START LIVING/ I've been living like I'm dying.....Time to G[] catch the bus,and get the blood work, and x-ray I need for surgery.Be back soon X[]x

Sunday, June 8, 2014

~The Middle~

Everything is gonna be just fine.......            I  have all these great sayings around my apartment, "Live the Life you've always imagined". And " If Y[]U can imagine it, Y[]U can dream it. Dream it, and Y[]U can  be it." Like I said lately I'm getting in my []wn way..... I still have my dreams , they are just on hold..... My Family remind Me, of Me they knew, and this is just the middle~                   "Don't write Y[]URSELF of yet, We are in the middle of the ride"
~It doesn't matter if it's G[][]D EN[]UGH, It just takes some TIME. "JUST DO Y[]UR BEST!"

~Y[]U are Perfect~

~I sometimes try so hard, to do things right. To put things in order, to make my relationships right. To make the best of my time, I strive for perfection....... To the point, I drive people away. I overdue it. I have been going through a terrible depression....... So if You feel this way too~ Know You are Perfect ! [Just the WAY Y[]U ARE!] We learn~ We have imperfections from others, We are graded through their eyes, these feelings will pass/don't change []NE thing about Yourself  to please another person...... Just BE Y[]U, You are unique!  Love, Mother X[]x

Friday, June 6, 2014

Panic Attack~Dream Theater

~I find myself struggling physically, which is taken an emotional toll on Me. There I days I feel like I can't push on, but My Sister ,and Scooter come drag me out of bed..... And push Me to tend to the tasks that need to be satisfied before the surgery~ No doubt, I feel like surrendering.... Then My Children will call on me, and I try to rise to the occasion. My Mom came by the other day, I colored her hair, and she colored mine. I want my hair corn rowed before surgery..... No one wants to talk about it, but everyday I feel like I'm dying a little... I'm not use to feeling this disabled... So I made it understood, that if I do die I want to be creamated ......I will continue to push on ,but it's like driving a car on three tires. I'm having Panic Attacks./and the gears keep turning= I miss I Me, I use to be...... Surgery date is  Monday June 30th